You Might Want To Check First...

(Queen Scheherazade tells her stories to King Shahryar.)

If you don't know the officiant you've chosen to preside over your wedding, you might want to check with them first to see what the subject of their wedding homily/message might be.

Take, for example, the message I recently witnessed being delivered to a radiant young bride and her handsome groom in front of a few hundred of their family and friends. Earlier in his message, the officiant had observed that Adam and Eve were "naked and unashamed" before God. So far, so good. Appropriate, even, to hear the story of the first man and woman at a wedding ceremony. Things took a turn for the uncomfortable when he made the observation, "Later tonight you will be on your honeymoon and you will be naked and unashamed."

What?

Frankly, that's not the sort of picture I'd like carry away with me from a wedding ceremony. Too much information!

I squirmed during another wedding when the officiant chose a solemn moment of the ceremony to draw attention to himself. He told the groom, "Repeat after me. I will..." The groom's name wasn't Will. Though he seemed startled, he repeated, "I will..." The officiant then intoned, "Take her shopping..." To his credit, the groom refused to repeat that particular line.

Or how about the officiant who (I am not making this up) included this story as his homily:

"There was a king who had a kingdom. Everyone loved the king. Every night he would chose a beautiful young maiden. Every morning she would be dead. The next night he would choose another beautiful young maiden. The next morning she would be dead. Then one morning the young maiden he chose was alive. She went back into her village and everyone asked her why she was still alive. She said that as she went to bed with the king she told him a story that was to be continued. That is why she didn't die."

End of story.

What?

Was he suggesting to the bride that, unless she told good bed time stories, she would be dead in the morning? Was he suggesting that the groom was a serial killer and she'd better think twice? Was he serious?

I want to assure you that I am not making this up. I wish I was.

So my advice to all of you is, KNOW YOUR OFFICIANTS.

Then again, with messages like these your guests probably won't soon forget your wedding ceremony...